If you want people to leave you alone, tell them you’re reading a book about death—and not of the true crime variety. Dealing with our own mortality can be so unsettling, but does it need to be? We spend so much time obsessing over the details of our weddings, 16th birthdays, major anniversaries and other milestones, but we put off planning the end of our lives as much as we can. Maybe it’s partially a case of, “well, I won’t be there, so what do I care?” But really, I think it all comes down to: Who, honestly, wants to dwell on that?

There’s no need to dwell on death. Death is a lot like worry—dwelling there gives you something to do, but it doesn’t get you anywhere. However, planning the end of your life can be the kindest gift you give the people you love. There’s no worrying over what to do, how to handle a situation or who gets what. (Or, at the very least, there’s a bit less of it.)

I’ve been putting off writing a will for years due to my own discomfort—and, perhaps, my ignorant feeling that I can do it later, later, later—which feels particularly bone-headed, considering I have a three-year-old daughter. So, this year, I’m working on being more proactive and death positive, working through those fears and simply getting things done. In doing so, I’ve been reading We All Know How This Ends, a death doula and funeral director’s practical guide to dealing with dying, loss and grief. There’s a whole section devoted to planning your own end of life and funeral ceremony wishes, but several questions stood out to me. Those, combined with insights from others on what they wish had been determined before they lost a loved one, formed the basis of the list below.

Set aside an hour—now, not next week—and commit to jotting down your answers. They don’t have to be formal or fully fleshed out. Just a start. And while there’s nothing legally binding about this list, it gets the conversation going, and can make people aware of what you’d like. Let’s do this.

1. Where do you want to die? (Sure, we don’t have much say in this, but if you feel strongly that you don’t want to be in a hospital, people should know.)
2. How do you want the room? What does a comfortable space look like to you, in terms of lighting, visuals, scents and music?
3. What, in this setting, would bring you comfort in your final days? (While the nature of death is that we don’t know when—or where we’ll be when—we go, if there is a chance you have some time, it’s good to think on this a bit.)
4. What’s your take on a Do Not Rescusitate (DNR) order? Are there instances where you wouldn’t want to receive medical treatment? (You can learn more about DNRs here.)
5. Who would you want to see in your final days?
6. Is there anyone you definitely don’t want to see?
7. What does a good day look like to you? What can we do to make that happen?
8. Have you written a will?
9. If not, did you know you could write it out in 20 minutes or less (for free!), using FreeWill.com? (There are other services that provide this as well.)
10. What are three words you hope people would use to describe you?
11. What do you consider your mantra or motto for your life right now?
12. What song would you say defines you? Or really resonates with you?
13. How would you like your life to be celebrated? Do you want a funeral? What would that look like?
14. Should there be a reception afterward, and if so, who should be invited? Just family? Close friends? Anyone and everyone?
15. Do you want any particular passages from books or poems to be read?
16. Do you want to be cremated? Buried?
17. What would you like to wear to your funeral?
18. If you’re being buried, would you like to be buried with any special items?
19. If you’re being cremated, do you want your ashes scattered somewhere?
20. Are there any items of yours in particular that you’d like to give to someone else? If so, what is it and who should receive it?
21. Are you an organ donor? (To find out more about that and sign up, if you’re interested, visit organdonor.gov.)
22. What’s on your bucket list?

Lead photo by Andra C Taylor Jr on Unsplash.