As a journalist, ‘why’ is my go-to. It’s how I get to the heart of issues, finding the story behind the story. But sometimes, it can hold us back—or trap us in a negative feedback loop, where we keep replaying dilemmas, using it to reinforce our biggest insecurities about ourselves. The better question, according to the Harvard Business Review, is ‘what,’ not ‘why.’ Here’s, uh, why.

Let’s say your boss delivers a harsh criticism. Why would she say that? you wonder. HBR’s research found that most people would start forming an explanation that “focused on their fears, shortcomings, or insecurities, rather than a rational assessment of their strengths and weaknesses.” Highly self-aware people wouldn’t obsess over why in this case; they’d ask the person directly: “What can I do in the future to improve?”

Instead of filling in the narrative with what they think the boss’s motivations are, they get clarification on what weaknesses the boss perceives and what concrete actions can be taken to do better. It shifts your focus from obsessing over your flaws to looking for solutions. And, the criticism doesn’t glom onto you, becoming part of your identity. It’s something to learn from and grow as a result of.

Lead photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash.