You’ve heard that it takes 6 compliments to offset a single piece of criticism, and any time you screw up, you can’t help but play that tape—or that awful thing someone said—over and over again. Why is that, exactly? Blame the Negativity Effect.

Also known as the Negativity Bias, it’s the research-backed theory that negative events have a much stronger impact on us than positive ones—a result of our ancestors’ need to protect themselves from danger that’s lingered ever since. The things that harm us we don’t easily forget, using them as a tool for survival, but when you recognize the effect in your life, you can break the cycle.

Until this effect was uncovered, psychology itself suffered from the negativity bias, the Wall Street Journal reports: Most people have heard of post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), for example, but how many have heard of post-traumatic growth, which is actually a more common occurrence? (The newspaper cites that more people leave a traumatic experience feeling like the trials have made them stronger.) It’s caused researchers to look into a “positivity ratio,” or the number of good events/emotions you should have for every bad one (like that compliment example I mentioned earlier!), adding that older people tend to be better at managing this ratio.

WSJ lists a few ways to manage the sting of negativity, so you can move from being aware that you’re stewing in criticism to growing from it. One stood out in particular: The power of maintaining “positive illusions.”

Um, wait? Positive illusions? So, like, LYING TO YOURSELF?!

Not quite. It’s more like, when someone upsets you, give them the benefit of the doubt. Instead of jumping to the absolute most negative, damaging conclusion of what they really mean—or harping on someone’s flaws—you’re willing to look past them and see the good.

Researchers found that in many marriages that fail, people assumed the worst of each other in arguments, and things escalated quickly. Every perceived slight was read between the lines and exacerbated. In relationships that lasted, couples tended to respond calmly to conflict, so they didn’t instantly escalate things, and readily acknowledged that hey, we’re all flawed and we all fell short. Extending that grace to one another made a huge difference.

From there, understanding how the criticism can help you grow—and reframing it that way—can help you shift your perspective, changing that feedback loop in your mind from “I suck, I’m awful at everything, why am I such a FAILURE?!” to “okay, I learned this, and here’s what I can do to improve.” In short, it’s another way of saying: Don’t take failure—or missteps—personally. One of my college professors had a saying that sums things up pretty simply, that I’m striving to adopt as a mantra for 2020: “There is no failure, only feedback.” Here’s to the year ahead.

Photo by Brannon Naito on Unsplash