Life Between Weekends

Tag: Tuesday Takeaway

The One Line from Jessica Simpson’s Memoir I Share with Every Parent

When Jessica Simpson titled her memoir Open Book, she really wasn’t kidding. I picked it up to learn what those TRL-and-touring days of the early aughts were really like, as one of her former tween fans, but what I got was so much more raw. And perspective-changing.

Sure, Simpson is known for her four-octave vocal range, her “Chicken of the Sea” comments that made her a reality TV icon, and her eponymous shoe and clothing brand (which is valued at $1 billion), but—as is the case with pretty much every celebrity, ever—she was dealing with so much more behind the scenes. Namely, a struggle with alcohol that threatened to tear apart her family and the constant pressure of the media (and society as a whole) obsessing over her appearance. Like many pop stars of the early 2000s, there was an expectation of inhuman-like perfection. We exhalted humans and expected them to look like AI renderings of IRL Barbies.

I wrote about America’s body image obsession with Simpson for PureWow back in 2020, relieved that our collective perspective toward the human body has (at least somewhat) relaxed in the years since. At the time, unpacking how we as a society push perfection—and in exchange, riddle ourselves with self-doubt, self-loathing and anxiety—stuck with me.

“There are so many firsts to raising kids, and parents are told to catch them all. But they don’t warn you about the lasts.”
-Jessica Simpson

But there’s another part of the book, a blink-and-you’ll-miss-it aside, that has also stuck with me over the years. In fact, it’s come up in conversation with nearly every parent I know, just because it rings so true—and it isn’t until you have kids that you start to dwell on it.

“There are so many firsts to raising kids, and parents are told to catch them all,” she writes. “But they don’t warn you about the lasts. The last baby onesie. The last time you tie their shoes. The last time they think you have every answer in the world.”

Photo: Amazon

Without realizing it, one day, your kid will stop saying “hold-cupper” instead of “cupholder.” It’s a milestone, and yet, now that they’re saying things the “right” way, you miss the “wrong.” Or one day, they stop making up adventures in the backyard with their imaginary friend. Or tell you they’ve outgrown the dollhouse you built and painted (and rebuilt, when the paint came loose and the roof started sloping).

Growing and changing are necessary, beautiful parts of life. But still, it’s okay to miss the stages that have passed.

That said, I’m trying to savor these moments. It’s made me a little more lenient when my daughter asks to sleep in our room, because she’s had a bad dream. Yes, yes, the experts say you shouldn’t—you need boundaries! Tuck her back in! Don’t be lazy!—but one day, this house will be empty. She’ll be off on her own, maybe even raising her own family. (Ditto for our son.) I’ll cherish this moment, sleeplessness and all. It, too, shall pass, and one day, I’ll miss it.

PS—You can find Open Book at most major bookstores, on Amazon and at many libraries. I highly recommend giving it a read.

August 6, 2024
What Separates the Cult from the ‘Cultish’
Blame it on The Age of Magical Overthinking: Within days of listening to the audiobook, I found myself on an Amanda Montell binge, eagerly checking out—and devouring—her previous book, Cultish, from the library. I couldn’t put it down, even though I was initially wary of the book’s premise, which listed everything from Jonestown to SoulCycle within the realm of being “cultish.” Would the book deem them all equally corrupt and awful? Would it cynically dismiss anyone with a sense of belonging as weak-minded or foolish?

Thankfully, in a world of absolutist statements, Cultish embraces nuance, sharing the spectrum of “cultish” experiences and groups—and what can separate a club from something more sinister. The book quickly establishes how the word has grown to have such a strong, negative connotation that many psychologists won’t use the term professionally. Their reasoning: Labeling something a “cult” suggests how others should feel about it. (See my own concerns about people’s hobbies being labeled as such.)

What’s riveting is Montell’s breakdown of how language can be used to convert, build connection and make people feel part of something bigger than themselves. And how it can be used to exclude, as well as stifle creative, critical thought. Every group on the cultish spectrum, be it members of an MLM organization or Heaven’s Gate, has their own insider-y terms. For some, it’s so intense it’s almost like learning a second language; for others, it’s the jargon that comes with getting in deep in a very specific, shared interest.

Add this to your must-read list, asap. (Photos: Candace Braun Davison)

But what separates a harmless “cultish” following from a potentially dangerous one, beyond the obvious?

You hear stories of people getting “in too deep” with something and wonder how that happens; this book breaks things down thoughtfully. Throughout Cultish, Montell addresses major cognitive biases (such as the sunk-cost fallacy and confirmation bias) that can affect people’s judgment. She also offers a few key distinctions:
- You should consent to join—and continue taking part in—the group. If you don’t want to take part anymore, the ability to leave should be clear-cut and easy to do so. If you were to quit, what is the mental, social and actual financial cost of doing so? (To that end, if you are thinking of leaving a group that’s been a huge part of your life, be it a church or a gym membership, beware of the sunk-cost fallacy. It can make you think that you’ve invested so much you might as well see things through…long after they’ve stopped being beneficial to you.)
- How does spending time in—and out—of the group make you feel afterward?
- Rituals can be beneficial, provided they have a start and end, so you can integrate back into the rest of the world. Having a ritual, such as chanting or lighting a candle before journaling, “temporarily removes a person from the center of their own little universe—their anxieties, their everyday priorities,” Montell writes. ” It helps mentally transition followers from worldly, self-focused humans to one piece of a holy group. And then, theoretically, it should allow them to transition back into real life.”
- You should be able to think critically and raise questions about the group. “If something is legitimate, it will stand up to scrutiny,” writer and counselor Dr. Steven Hassan told Montell. Look out for thought-terminating clichés—phrases designed to end a conversation and get you to stop questioning things—and push back.
Ultimately, we’re wired for belonging. Being part of a group can help you manage stress and be more resilient in times of difficulty, according to the Mayo Clinic. As someone who’s enjoyed clubs and learning about organizations of all kinds, Cultish didn’t make me warier of them; it just made me more mindful. And less quick to judge anyone who gets involved with what becomes an actual cult.

You can find Cultish at most major bookstores (and at many libraries), as well as on Amazon.
June 17, 2024
The One Thing We Can All Learn from Kids, According to ‘How to Cake It’ Star Yolanda Gampp

Sometimes in life, you need to un-learn things. Shake off bad behaviors that have coiled themselves around you, like protective armor that really just constricts you. It’s something I was reminded of while listening to Chef Amanda Schonberg‘s interview with YouTuber Yolanda Gampp, as part of her Baking for Business podcast.

Gampp’s known for her jaw-dropping, over-the-top cakes—and tutorials, which she shares on her How to Cake It YouTube channel—but it was one quick aside as she discussed the launch of cake decorating projects geared toward kids that really struck a chord with me. She mentioned how, no matter how dramatic or intense her desserts are, kids don’t question whether they can make it. They get excited and they want to dive in right away, and just give it a go.

“Children never, ever, let their fear dominate their curiosity.”
— Yolanda Gampp

“Nothing stops them, whereas adults—even if they’ve wanted to do this their whole life and have been curious—they talk themselves out of it before they even start,” Gampp says. She sums it up quite simply: “Children never, ever, let their fear dominate their curiosity.”

How true is that? I’ve seen it with my daughter, who couldn’t wait to make her own Bingo cupcakes, not caring for a second whether the eyes were just right or if the orange buttercream “fur” was just the right hue. I think it’s half the appeal of the “Fully Conscious Baby” memes, which is surprising not just in the baby’s reaction but in the immediate, no-hesitation enthusiasm to jump into a new adventure.

And yet, as we grow up, we become more cautious, as a fear of failure grips us. Maybe we worry about what other people will think if we fail; maybe we worry we’ll confirm our worst fears about ourselves. It’s the ugly side of perfectionism, as Psychology Today notes, when you’re so consumed by it that your sense of self-worth is tied to doing things flawlessly, and you live a fractured, smaller-than-it-needs-to-be life to avoid ever making a misstep. But inside, you’re miserable.

Pin this, in case you need to remember it too.

Lately, I’ve been dreaming up side projects—I’ve been dabbling in candle making for so long, and I have the materials to launch a small collection, but I find myself hesitating. There are already a million candle brands out there; who would care about mine? How dumb will I look to launch yet another little project, when I’ve done so many things like this over the years? (See: the cookbooks, Airbnb, this very site.)

But also, a bigger part of me asks: Who cares? What if I make a bunch of candles and nobody wants them? I want them, so I’ll enjoy them. Things don’t have to be a breakout hit to be fulfilling to me, so why—to put Gampp’s words into perspective—am I letting fear dominate my curiosity?

All of this reminds me of one of my favorite Liz Gilbert stories, where she shares that we don’t need to put so much pressure on ourselves to find and live out one true Life’s Purpose, like it’s some kind of narrow, one-lane road you either go down or are banished to a life of misery and almost-happiness. Maybe the purpose of life is to follow your curiosity, wherever that leads you, seeking fulfillment from the act of exploring, growing, learning.

So, as I go about this week, I challenge you—and myself—to take Gampp’s anecdote and turn it into a mantra. (And yes, I’m going to share it one more time, since a photo and a pull quote aren’t enough.) Never let fear dominate your curiosity.

Photos: Candace Braun Davison

May 27, 2024
What Is ‘The Wander Society,’ Anyway? And Is It Real?
Nearly eight years after I first reviewed Keri Smith’s The Wander Society, I was surprised to find…the book has become incredibly polarizing. A number of one-star reviews dismiss it as being “gushy, new agey twaddle” or, by and large, “silly” and “pretentious.” Others consider it a new guide to life.

To me, it was an enchanting, playful take on forest bathing, or walking meditation; a fun read that inspired me to be a bit more curious about everyday life. So why did it piss people off? What is the Society even about? But first, let me back up a bit.

What Is The Wander Society?

In Smith’s book, the narrator finds cryptic writing in the margin of a used copy of Walt Whitman’s Leaves of Grass, leading her to an anonymous group that uses wandering and exploring as methods to reconnect with nature, with themselves and the world at large.

Photo: Candace Braun Davison

Wait, So Is The Society Real?

No…and yes. It’s a work of fiction designed to get you to suspend disbelief and look at the world around you with fresh eyes. But as people got into the story itself and started taking on the challenges presented in the book, they’re essentially becoming Wander Society members themselves, bringing the group to life. (Even more so if you join the author’s private Facebook group for the society.)

What Upsets People About It?

For some, it was the fact that it was a fictitious group presented as nonfiction. For many, it was the how the book name-dropped Whitman and other authors while presenting the group with a certain smugness about the importance of their mission. Admittedly, the tone could feel pretentious at times, as you sifted through the pretend documents of the organization.

But Here’s Why I Still Love It:

I appreciate the whimsy in this book. Kind of like how geocaching makes you feel part of a group of fellow explorers of everyday life, there’s a certain charm in imagining a group dedicated to such pursuits. Truly—joining The Wander Society is simple: You just decide to spend time wandering, silencing your cell phone and exploring an area near you. There are no group meetings or official tasks (though the book encourages you to create zines, wheat-paste posters and little messages that you hide, geocache-style, for other Wanderers to find).

It leans on the concepts of shinrin-yoku, or forest bathing, as well as the Norweigan concept of friluftsliv—unplugging and connecting with nature—without explicitly saying so. Even if you don’t buy into The Wander Society concept, taking its practices to heart could be beneficial for you. After all, studies have shown forest bathing—essentially, taking walks through nature, being present in the moment—friluftsliv-style exploring can reduce stress, anger and depression while improving sleep.

Personally, I think it appealed to my inner storyteller. As a kid, I had a reputation for pacing the backyard, talking to myself. I’d carry a book in my hands sometimes, pretending to read out loud, when really, I wasn’t looking at a single word on the page. I just didn’t want people to think I was crazy. (Yup, even at 6 or 7, I knew wandering around and talking to myself was frowned upon by modern society.)

Photo: Candace Braun Davison

I was actually making up elaborate stories. I found talking them out to be way more satisfying than attempting to write them down; my hands couldn’t keep up with the string of thoughts hurtling through my mind. This way, I could revise, edit and alter my plot without bothering with an eraser or obsessing over word choice.

As I grew older, I’d go on walks to sift through a problem. Something about the act of walking helped clear my mind and untangle the issue.

It’s so tempting, these days, that even if we take the time to walk, we’re on the phone. Or listening to a podcast. Or finding some way to multitask. That’s part of the book’s (practical) magic—it offers a few simple practices to help you become more present on your walk.

What Does It Mean to Wander, Anyway?

Here are three of the activities the book suggests to help you wander more mindfully:
- Psychogeography — Grab a map of your town and open it up. Place a cup somewhere on it and trace the mouth of the cup, forming a circle. Explore that area fully.
- Color Tracking — Choose one color in particular, then go for a walk and look for any objects in that color. Log what you find.
- Library Wandering — Head to your nearest library, and ask the librarian what his/her favorite book is. Read that. Or pick up a book you love and look at the bibliography. Pick a book listed there and read it.
Basically, the whole goal is to look at the ordinary—the things you take for granted, as you fly through your to-do list and other obligations—in a whole new light.

As The Wander Society says, Solvitur Ambulando! (It is solved by walking!)

Check It Out for Yourself

This post was originally published on March 26, 2016, as part of Life Between Weekends’ Tuesday Takeaway series. Every Tuesday, we shared the most compelling insight we’ve gleaned from a book, movie, tour, documentary or article to inspire you during the workday. Though that series has been paused, we still run posts like these on Mondays.
March 24, 2024
The Feeling Duff Goldman’s Been Chasing His Whole Career

If you want to hear a great story, talk to Duff Goldman. The Charm City Cakes founder and Food Fighters/Ace of Cakes star has lived a dozen lives—from bassist in an emo band to stage-show star—but when we spoke for a story on Delish.com back in 2015, one of the things that stood out the most to me was the way he described one of his earliest jobs.

It was his first job in fine dining, at a restaurant called Savannah, where the line cooks played jokes on each other, and he joined a “sludgy desert rock band” with a coworker. When their shifts ended, everybody grabbed beers together, and they’d show up still wearing their chef’s coats, because that’s the sense of camaraderie they had. They weren’t just people who worked at the same place; they were a team.

“I’ve been looking for that kind of feeling every place I’ve worked since then,” Goldman said. “I ask myself, ‘How tight are these cooks? Do they love each other? Is this the kind of environment where people can get along?’”

That last question has been crucial for Goldman as he’s built up Charm City Cakes.

“If everyone’s freaked out and scared of the chef, you’re not going to make good food,” he explained. “I wanted to make Charm City a very fun environment. Everybody who works there is all goofy and colorful.”

It made me wonder: What kind of culture are you contributing to at work? What little things can add joy to your everyday life, where you’re so proud of what you do that you want to rock your uniform (if you have one) outside of the office?

So often, when job searching, we pay close attention to the job description, salary and benefits, but how much do we pay attention to the team?

Lead photo: Charm City Cakes/YouTube

This post originally ran in August 2015, as part of Life Between Weekends’ Tuesday Takeaway series. Every Tuesday, we shared the most compelling insight we’ve gleaned from a book, movie, tour, documentary or article to inspire you during the workday. It has since been updated to be optimized for SEO.

November 12, 2023
What A Hospice Doctor Wants You to Know About Death

Hang with me for a minute, because this topic is a little morbid. It may seem too dark to feature on a site dedicated to making your weekdays a little brighter, but that’s the thing: Life Between Weekends isn’t about solely focusing on the warm and fuzzy, and glossing over everything else. It’s about honestly exploring the world around us; often, the most enjoyable days are the ones where we learn something new or look at a topic in an entirely new way.

So today, I’m writing about death.

Or rather, the visions people have just before dying. Dr. Christopher W. Kerr, a physician at Hospice Buffalo, has been researching the therapeutic role of patients’ end-of-life dreams and visions. These dreams — experienced while asleep or awake — often follow a few themes, which usually boil down to a few key categories, according to the New York Times, which overlap considerably: the chance to meet with the dead, seeing that loved ones are waiting for them on the other side, and taking care of unfinished business.

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April 23, 2023
What You Need to Know About Oprah’s Latest Book Club Pick

If you cringe when people start telling painfully honest truths — if their honesty and their rawness makes you want to change topics, STAT — Glennon Doyle Melton’s latest book, Love Warrior, isn’t for you. But you should probably read it more than anyone.

The Momastery blogger has never shied away from getting vulnerable, bearing her scars — and the lessons learned from them — for the world to see, and in this memoir, she chronicles what happened after publishing her best-selling first book, Carry On, Warrior, when her husband told her he’d been cheating on her, and she found herself at a crossroads: Could she ever trust him — or any man — again? What would this mean for her kids? Her sense of family? Security? Love?

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August 30, 2016
How to Stop Doubting Yourself (for Real!)

By Michelle Joy

If you’re looking for a motivational self-helpy book that is also humorous and “real,” this is the book for you. If you’re not looking for that, this is still the book for you.

Honestly, everyone should read and/or listen to Jen Sincero’s You Are A Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living Your Awesome Life. It’s hilarious and amazing. There are so many quotes I love that I could annoy my friends on Facebook on a daily basis for months with them! (Don’t worry; there’s an example further in the story.)

Part one is How You Got This Way, and Jen focuses on how we all tend to be — worried and down on ourselves — how our past (and our parents’ pasts and their parents’ pasts and so on) can affect our present if we’re not conscious about what we’re doing and taking charge to change that to what we want.

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March 15, 2016
Kate Hudson’s Squint Test

We’ve all been there: You’ve been running nonstop, constantly feeling three items behind on your to-do list from where you need to be, and the tasks keep piling up. You’re feeling overwhelmed and you just want to break down, but you know you’ve got to power through — at least for the next few minutes, hours or days.

Kate Hudson kicks off her new book, Pretty Happy, with a story about feeling that same way when she was 19 or 20 (only she was on a plane, headed to a new job after spending months away from family and friends — so slightly less glamorous than, you know, feeling buried alive by TPS Reports). She called her mom in a panic, who told her to take a deep breath and…squint.

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March 1, 2016
Give Yourself Permission to Take Time Off

One of the thrilling parts of the holiday season is the thought of taking time off. You imagine yourself completely agenda-less, basking in the glow of an open fire — or hearing the waves crashing on the beach, if you’re a fellow Floridian — but often, there’s one little snag.

Work.

Sometimes, it’s not even that your colleagues are contacting you during the break; it’s that you feel compelled to just finish this one tiny, teeny little thing … and six hours later, you’re still at it. So much for a vacation.

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December 15, 2015
Learning When to Say Yes

For the past few years, I’ve been enchanted by the concept of saying ‘yes’ to life (yup, kind of like that Jim Carrey movie, Yes Man). The idea of taking on any and every opportunity presented, of following your curiosity and seeing where life takes you just seemed all too appealing — and freeing.

Sure, you might fail, but you’ll end up with dozens of great stories, I reasoned. So that’s what I’ve tried to do this year. For the most part, saying yes has opened me up to insane moments, like starting a new job that incorporates all of my passions, flying to San Francisco to handle sales calls for the very first time, swimming along the Great Barrier Reef (even if it may have given me a panic attack in the process), cooking at a nationally televised tailgate on a rainy day in Mississippi, and taking a flower-arranging class with Jessica Alba.

It’s been a crazy, off-the-charts year that I’m so, so grateful to have experienced, but as I’m sure you could see the moment I explained my say ‘yes’ challenge, it’s come with a glaring downside: When you say yes to everything, you quickly spread yourself too thin, and soon enough, you’re doing everything…in a mediocre way.

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December 8, 2015
You Don’t Need to Dissect Your Failures

Whenever something doesn’t turn out as planned, I typically overanalyze it until I make myself crazy. I intend to learn from the mistakes and move on, but my problem is that I rarely see the mistake, acknowledge it and keep moving forward. I pretend to do that, while inside, a tape recorder plays, looping the same criticism or shortcomings over and over and over again.

That’s no progress; that’s self-flagellation. It’s a topic Elizabeth Gilbert addresses in Big Magic that really struck a chord with me, particularly these lines:

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December 1, 2015

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